Some Rules

[Claw]

Some rules for women, and following that... survival tips... be careful out there...

Rule number, followed by rule...

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is Blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem Only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're Fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the Other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done. Not Both . If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during Commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach , for example, is a fruit, not a color! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it Will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask What's wrong, and you say "Nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an Answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is Fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Baseball, the Shotgun formation, or Golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round Is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, We'll all have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Words Women Use:

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying $#&% YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to number 3.