One Liners

[Dangerous Bob]

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.
So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for
the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say
I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Dakaras]

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

rofl

[Eagle]

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"


By the time I read this one I was already in stitches but this one took me over the edge

[Claw]

They're all brilliant... but I'm stuck on this one...

<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

[Dakaras]

They're all brilliant... but I'm stuck on this one...

An A Log?

[Claw]

An A Log?

Wristwatch... Log... my head is hurting...

I'll sleep on it...