"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." John Bishop
"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!" Bill Murray
"Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yea, I thought so..."
"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any." Tommy Cooper
"Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly." Tim Vine
"Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?"
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